Tag: humour

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Calidris Compares: Feb 2020 vs Feb 2021

  By Air Travel, Calidris Compares, Musings

Let’s see now…what was I doing one year ago in February 2020? Ah, yes, I remember…I was housesitting a stranger’s home in France and wandering around the Loire Valley for fun. Hahahahaha….

How long ago and far away that seems now. Just visiting a stranger’s home is unthinkable and forget about travelling to France, eating in tiny, crowded bistros, or rubbing shoulders with thousands of people from all over the world in the Louvre or d’Orsay museums. The world has changed and as always, Calidris does not shrink from candid comparisons.

Feb 2020Feb 2021
Canada-US border Leave the pot in Canada and the guns in America and you’re good to go Closed for nonessential travel
Coughing in publicYou are offered a lozengeYou are run out of town
MasksMardi Gras, Carnival, or bank robberyMust-have fashion accessory
Airplane travelAnywhere, any time, as long as you have the bucksJust no, unless you are a politician to whom the rules don’t apply (according to yourself)
Flight phobiaFiery crashHaving an anti-masker on board
Public restroomsGratitude that they existTerror that you’ll need to use one
SanitizerTiny packeted wipe in your purse4-litre jug that you wear like a camel pack
Friendly hand shakeGood manners in many countries around the worldThe Touch of Doom
Travel wishBeing bumped to first classA vaccine
Touching your faceItchySuicide
BirthdayParty with everyone you knowOnline meet-up over takeout
Flight recoveryA good sleep-inTwo weeks of quarantine
Passenger in next seatCurler from Moose Jaw heading to a bonspielMillionaire sitting in economy as part of his ruse to get vaccine in a small, remote town
Things to smuggle homeBooze, bits of endangered animalsToilet paper
#1 travel destinationFranceThe living room
ZoomSound the jet makes as you take off for HawaiiYour primary source of communication, education, entertainment, and business
Bonnie HenryDr Who?Goddess of the Known Universe and Ruler of Our Fate
Jigsaw puzzlesAre you kidding?More valuable than gold bricks

What do you see is different this February? Let me know in a comment.

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Knot Spots: Avoid Travel With Salmon

  By Knot Spots, The Unexpected

If you’re planning to visit Chile, don’t even think of bringing salmon along. I mean, I know it’s hard to leave your pets at home, but trust me, they will be safer and happier.

Consider the following news item spotted on SeafoodSource’s website: “Chilean authorities dealing with a rise in salmon stick-ups.” In a nutshell, former drug dealers or bank robbers are switching to the lucrative and relatively low-risk career of stealing trucks full of innocent dead fish.

“According to a recent report…in the end of January 2019 five thieves approached a truck parked along Chile’s 5 South freeway…, tied up the driver and stole the truck along with 22,500 kilograms of salmon valued at…US$305,000.”

Which brought to mind The Arrogant Worms’ “Last Saskatchewan Pirate,” with a few tweaks:

“Well, I used to be a farmer and I made a living fine
I had a little patch of poppies along the border line
But times went bad and though I tried the cops were always there
Then soldiers came and took my land and told me fair is fair

I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no
“Hire you now?” they laughed, “We just let twenty go!”
The government they promised me a measly little sum
But I’ve got too much pride to end up just another bum

Then I thought, Who needs their charity?
I’m going to be a FISH PIRATE on the highways of Chile!”

Note: In order for this immortal ditty to rhyme, you need to mispronounce Chile as if it is the bean-based food chili.